Thoughts of my mother

About 6 years ago, God called my mother home to be with him.  She suffered for 11 months with pancreatic cancer before she lost her battle with her body of flesh, yet won the ultimate prize to be with the Lord.  There is not one passing day that my mom doesn't cross my mind.  When she died, I had just turned 23 years old. I think about how my life would be if she were still here with me. For comfort, people say, "she's with you in spirit", but that's definitely not the same.

I decided to write about my mom whom I affectionately called "Bubbies" because it was laid on my heart to just talk about what it's like to lose someone so close to you.  Before Bubbies was diagnosed, I had a few friends who had lost their parents, and I felt like it was an unimaginable feeling.  Like how do you go through life without your mom!? I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  I even remember a girl I went to college with who lost her mom when she was in high school and I considered this girl the epitome of strength.  I just figured you have to be strong to continue living life after such a great loss.

People don't always talk about what they went through.  Most people don't even ask.  I suppose they're afraid of bringing up such a sensitive topic and being afraid they might offend you if they ask the wrong questions.  I just wanted to share a little bit of my feelings.

#1 Talking about it definitely helps! Sometimes I just want to talk about my mom. The person I'm talking to doesn't have to say anything back, I just like to talk about her. I like to reminisce on the good times we had. I like to talk about how I think she would react to certain situations that are happening in my life now.  It really does help with coping with the fact that for as long as I live, she won't be here.

When my mom first got diagnosed, I remember her asking the doctor how long she had to live. The doctor gave an unclear answer, but I remember thinking to myself "I'm sooooo not ready for this". This can't be happening! I can't deal with this! How can life without her go on? So we start our journey of fighting cancer. Bubbies was putting up a great fight.  In 2006, I didn't know too many people personally who had cancer so it was kind of foreign to me. I knew it was bad, but I didn't know how bad other than some people died from it.  I especially didn't know much about pancreatic cancer.  With my lack of knowledge and Bubbies doing exceptionally well, I figured it was some type of mistake and that she would be just fine.  She would fight this and we'd all live happily ever after!

Around January 2007, she started to slow down and physical signs of how cancer was wearing on her were starting to show.  She had lost her hair a few months prior and she had lost a substantial amount of weight, but that wasn't enough evidence for it to really hit me that she was really suffering from a terminal illness.  It wasn't until she couldn't walk, couldn't bathe herself, was barely eating, and when we got word that the cancer had spread to other parts of her body that it really hit.  By then, I felt like something had come over me. I was starting to prepare myself for the end. It was the weirdest thing. I wasn't as weak as I thought I would be. I wasn't falling apart and thinking I didn't want her to go.  I actually remember the last time we were together.  I sat next to her while she was on her death bed and I held her hand. I whispered in her ear with tears in my eyes "you can let go Bubbies.  Go on and be with God".  Hospice had given us a pamphlet to help with what was happening.  In the pamphlet, it said let the loved one know they can let go because they will tend to hold on longer for the benefit of the family.  I couldn't believe I was saying these things to my mom.  I was saying it, but I didn't really mean it. It was almost like just saying what I thought was right.  I realized that it was the right thing.  She was suffering so bad.  It was a really hard time for my family and I that last day.

She was the most amazing woman ever! I love her so deeply and am saddened that my husband and children won't ever meet her.  I do know that she has taught me a lot and I am the strong woman I am because of her.  I am thankful for my sister stepping in and helping with everything after my mom passed away.  I'm thankful for my relationship with God who comforts me in times when I feel weak.  I know Bubbies and I will meet again one day! A special strength is needed to when you lose a parent or a loved one.  God definitely comforts those who mourn and without him, I never would have made it through this experience. I still need him because time might heal some wounds, but this one isn't as simple. It's a cycle of emotions that you experience and I need God every step of the way. Through tears or with a smile. I need Him!!!

May she continue to rest in paradise! I love you, Arlene Johnson Jackson!!

Holiday Stressed!!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!! It's interesting that just about every month of the year has a holiday in it, yet we consider the time around November, December, and January "The Holidays".  Possibly because Thanksgiving, Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, etc.), and New Years are all within a few weeks of each other.  Although this time of the year is a very festive, joyful, and magical time of the year, it also comes along with STRESS!!!!

Getting the whole family together, traveling, Christmas shopping, packing, finishing all the unfinished business you meant to do weeks ago, cooking, cleaning, entertaining, ahhhhh the list goes on and on!! Every year, I tell myself I'm going to do better at managing this time of the year, and every year I find myself back in the same predicament as last year....stressing to make it through these next couple of weeks. Luckily for me, I'm an educator so I get two weeks of vacation.  This is so needed and appreciated!!

Things that usually stress me out during this time of the year are: packing to travel, and the shopping.  Now I love to travel and I love to shop, but when you have to do everything at once, these things start to become my least favorite things.  I usually travel to see my sister and brother-in-law for the holidays so I have to pack for an extended stay.  I'm weird about how I pack though (which probably causes me more stress).  I have to pack a bag for the weekend I spend in Richmond (I go to Richmond first then fly out of RIC to get to Ange), then another bag(s) for the trip to Memphis (that's where Ange and Chika live now).  All of this baggage is stressful within itself because I just come with so much stuff. I'm sure there's got to be a better way of packing/traveling, yet I haven't mastered this yet...*sigh*.  Right now I have a full sized suitcase, a carry-on sized suitcase, and a duffle bag. Don't forget the purse and my coat that I'll be toting along on top of my magazines that aren't quite fitting in my carry-on right now.  

With shopping, I always tell myself to start shopping early, but that rarely happens.  My mom used to shop for Christmas all year round! She'd start for next year's Christmas on December 26th of this year.  She never seemed too stressed about her holiday shopping.  I suppose it was because she did it all year round so by the time December came, she probably only had to get a few things to tie everything together.  I didn't do too bad this year, but a few people I forgot to shop for (that I forgot to shop for last year and the year before) are my coworkers.  It's that awkward moment when people are coming with gifts and cards for you and you have nothing to give back.  I know Christmas is not about receiving, but they've got to feel some kinda way that I never have anything to give back to them.  It always slips my mind until I get to school and there are several cards on my desk and other goodies from various people in the building.  I told myself that next year I'll try to remember them and at least make a photo card through Snapfish or something!! 

With all this stress talk, "The Holidays" are also that wonderful time of the year for EATING!! And lots of it!! According to this poster at my gym, the average person gains 8 pounds during the holidays! Eeekkkkk YIKES!!! 8 pounds!!!??? With all the eating (Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner), drinking, and the plethora of desserts being offered, I can totally see how gaining 8 pounds can happen if you're not careful! My gym has a challenge going on right now that encourages participants to weigh in every week from November 1st to December 31st and you must stay within 2 pounds of your original weight (well you can lose, but you can't gain more than 2 pounds).  I decided to sign up to keep me focused and to remind me that I cannot be that one who just carries on as if it doesn't matter that I've participated in the "eat, drink, and be merry" festivities without a care in the world. Thus far, after Thanksgiving I gained 2 pounds (ahhhh almost got a penalty for that one), but I have since lost it by getting more serious about my diet and putting in some really intense workouts.  I hope to practice self-control for Christmas and to continue to work out regularly while I'm on vacation.  I believe I can do it! 

What stresses you out the most during "The Holidays" and how do you deal with it?