Thoughts of my mother

About 6 years ago, God called my mother home to be with him.  She suffered for 11 months with pancreatic cancer before she lost her battle with her body of flesh, yet won the ultimate prize to be with the Lord.  There is not one passing day that my mom doesn't cross my mind.  When she died, I had just turned 23 years old. I think about how my life would be if she were still here with me. For comfort, people say, "she's with you in spirit", but that's definitely not the same.

I decided to write about my mom whom I affectionately called "Bubbies" because it was laid on my heart to just talk about what it's like to lose someone so close to you.  Before Bubbies was diagnosed, I had a few friends who had lost their parents, and I felt like it was an unimaginable feeling.  Like how do you go through life without your mom!? I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  I even remember a girl I went to college with who lost her mom when she was in high school and I considered this girl the epitome of strength.  I just figured you have to be strong to continue living life after such a great loss.

People don't always talk about what they went through.  Most people don't even ask.  I suppose they're afraid of bringing up such a sensitive topic and being afraid they might offend you if they ask the wrong questions.  I just wanted to share a little bit of my feelings.

#1 Talking about it definitely helps! Sometimes I just want to talk about my mom. The person I'm talking to doesn't have to say anything back, I just like to talk about her. I like to reminisce on the good times we had. I like to talk about how I think she would react to certain situations that are happening in my life now.  It really does help with coping with the fact that for as long as I live, she won't be here.

When my mom first got diagnosed, I remember her asking the doctor how long she had to live. The doctor gave an unclear answer, but I remember thinking to myself "I'm sooooo not ready for this". This can't be happening! I can't deal with this! How can life without her go on? So we start our journey of fighting cancer. Bubbies was putting up a great fight.  In 2006, I didn't know too many people personally who had cancer so it was kind of foreign to me. I knew it was bad, but I didn't know how bad other than some people died from it.  I especially didn't know much about pancreatic cancer.  With my lack of knowledge and Bubbies doing exceptionally well, I figured it was some type of mistake and that she would be just fine.  She would fight this and we'd all live happily ever after!

Around January 2007, she started to slow down and physical signs of how cancer was wearing on her were starting to show.  She had lost her hair a few months prior and she had lost a substantial amount of weight, but that wasn't enough evidence for it to really hit me that she was really suffering from a terminal illness.  It wasn't until she couldn't walk, couldn't bathe herself, was barely eating, and when we got word that the cancer had spread to other parts of her body that it really hit.  By then, I felt like something had come over me. I was starting to prepare myself for the end. It was the weirdest thing. I wasn't as weak as I thought I would be. I wasn't falling apart and thinking I didn't want her to go.  I actually remember the last time we were together.  I sat next to her while she was on her death bed and I held her hand. I whispered in her ear with tears in my eyes "you can let go Bubbies.  Go on and be with God".  Hospice had given us a pamphlet to help with what was happening.  In the pamphlet, it said let the loved one know they can let go because they will tend to hold on longer for the benefit of the family.  I couldn't believe I was saying these things to my mom.  I was saying it, but I didn't really mean it. It was almost like just saying what I thought was right.  I realized that it was the right thing.  She was suffering so bad.  It was a really hard time for my family and I that last day.

She was the most amazing woman ever! I love her so deeply and am saddened that my husband and children won't ever meet her.  I do know that she has taught me a lot and I am the strong woman I am because of her.  I am thankful for my sister stepping in and helping with everything after my mom passed away.  I'm thankful for my relationship with God who comforts me in times when I feel weak.  I know Bubbies and I will meet again one day! A special strength is needed to when you lose a parent or a loved one.  God definitely comforts those who mourn and without him, I never would have made it through this experience. I still need him because time might heal some wounds, but this one isn't as simple. It's a cycle of emotions that you experience and I need God every step of the way. Through tears or with a smile. I need Him!!!

May she continue to rest in paradise! I love you, Arlene Johnson Jackson!!