Thoughts of my mother

About 6 years ago, God called my mother home to be with him.  She suffered for 11 months with pancreatic cancer before she lost her battle with her body of flesh, yet won the ultimate prize to be with the Lord.  There is not one passing day that my mom doesn't cross my mind.  When she died, I had just turned 23 years old. I think about how my life would be if she were still here with me. For comfort, people say, "she's with you in spirit", but that's definitely not the same.

I decided to write about my mom whom I affectionately called "Bubbies" because it was laid on my heart to just talk about what it's like to lose someone so close to you.  Before Bubbies was diagnosed, I had a few friends who had lost their parents, and I felt like it was an unimaginable feeling.  Like how do you go through life without your mom!? I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  I even remember a girl I went to college with who lost her mom when she was in high school and I considered this girl the epitome of strength.  I just figured you have to be strong to continue living life after such a great loss.

People don't always talk about what they went through.  Most people don't even ask.  I suppose they're afraid of bringing up such a sensitive topic and being afraid they might offend you if they ask the wrong questions.  I just wanted to share a little bit of my feelings.

#1 Talking about it definitely helps! Sometimes I just want to talk about my mom. The person I'm talking to doesn't have to say anything back, I just like to talk about her. I like to reminisce on the good times we had. I like to talk about how I think she would react to certain situations that are happening in my life now.  It really does help with coping with the fact that for as long as I live, she won't be here.

When my mom first got diagnosed, I remember her asking the doctor how long she had to live. The doctor gave an unclear answer, but I remember thinking to myself "I'm sooooo not ready for this". This can't be happening! I can't deal with this! How can life without her go on? So we start our journey of fighting cancer. Bubbies was putting up a great fight.  In 2006, I didn't know too many people personally who had cancer so it was kind of foreign to me. I knew it was bad, but I didn't know how bad other than some people died from it.  I especially didn't know much about pancreatic cancer.  With my lack of knowledge and Bubbies doing exceptionally well, I figured it was some type of mistake and that she would be just fine.  She would fight this and we'd all live happily ever after!

Around January 2007, she started to slow down and physical signs of how cancer was wearing on her were starting to show.  She had lost her hair a few months prior and she had lost a substantial amount of weight, but that wasn't enough evidence for it to really hit me that she was really suffering from a terminal illness.  It wasn't until she couldn't walk, couldn't bathe herself, was barely eating, and when we got word that the cancer had spread to other parts of her body that it really hit.  By then, I felt like something had come over me. I was starting to prepare myself for the end. It was the weirdest thing. I wasn't as weak as I thought I would be. I wasn't falling apart and thinking I didn't want her to go.  I actually remember the last time we were together.  I sat next to her while she was on her death bed and I held her hand. I whispered in her ear with tears in my eyes "you can let go Bubbies.  Go on and be with God".  Hospice had given us a pamphlet to help with what was happening.  In the pamphlet, it said let the loved one know they can let go because they will tend to hold on longer for the benefit of the family.  I couldn't believe I was saying these things to my mom.  I was saying it, but I didn't really mean it. It was almost like just saying what I thought was right.  I realized that it was the right thing.  She was suffering so bad.  It was a really hard time for my family and I that last day.

She was the most amazing woman ever! I love her so deeply and am saddened that my husband and children won't ever meet her.  I do know that she has taught me a lot and I am the strong woman I am because of her.  I am thankful for my sister stepping in and helping with everything after my mom passed away.  I'm thankful for my relationship with God who comforts me in times when I feel weak.  I know Bubbies and I will meet again one day! A special strength is needed to when you lose a parent or a loved one.  God definitely comforts those who mourn and without him, I never would have made it through this experience. I still need him because time might heal some wounds, but this one isn't as simple. It's a cycle of emotions that you experience and I need God every step of the way. Through tears or with a smile. I need Him!!!

May she continue to rest in paradise! I love you, Arlene Johnson Jackson!!

Surviving the road trip!

This weekend I went on my first "road trip" since starting this eat clean lifestyle.  I must admit I was really nervous about going out of town because I wasn't sure how it was going to go with me trying to stick to eating clean and not being in the comfort of my own kitchen or being easily accessible to a refrigerator or microwave, etc. I traveled to Washington, DC for my sorority's Centennial Founder's Day (Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Innnnncorprorated) celebration! OOO-OOP my sweet sweet sorors!!! I will have another post for the phenomenal time I had this weekend and how I am so proud to be a member of this illustrious organization!!!!

Ok back on track, so I traveled to DC and I knew there were going to be three things that could pose a problem while I was there. 1.) I would be traveling almost 6 hours in my car total (going and coming) 2.) on Saturday, I knew I was going to be out and about all day long 3.) since I was staying with a friend, I couldn't guarantee she would have food that I would want to eat AND I don't like to go to someone's house and just eat up all their food (other than my sister and brother-in-law's house lol).  With me trying to eat at least 6 small meals/day, I knew that would be highly inconsiderate to expect a friend to feed me like that.  I am also on a very strict budget since this year I'm really trying to stay on track with not overspending. This easily eliminates me eating out for every meal while I'm away from home.

So I knew I was going to have to strategically plan what I was going to eat in order to survive this weekend. I did a little research and found a few helpful websites that suggested certain foods that travel well.  With that being said, I got to work on figuring out what I was going to take with me.  I knew I was going to be having brunch with my sorors on Saturday afternoon so that was one meal that was already accounted for. I also looked at the menu online before going to be sure I could choose a healthy meal once I arrived. The rest of the day and Sunday was the mystery.

The proposed itinerary for the weekend went like so: Saturday: drive to DC (2.5 hours), brunch with the sorors at noon, day party with the sorors from 3-until whenever, not sure what was happening in between, then going out to the campus of Howard University at 10:30pm to prepare to ring in Founder's Day at midnight with thousands of other members of the sorority, church on Sunday in Alexandria, VA, drive back home (2.5 hours)!

I decided on these items: medium sized navel orange (pre-peeled and put in a ziplock bag to be able to easily snack on it), 2 bananas, a canister that held about 3 palm fulls of almonds, one apple, a ziplock bag of Pirate's Booty cheese puffs (yes, I know these aren't "clean", but I was just trying to get rid of the rest of them that were in my pantry), 2 of my homemade protein bars (really one for me and one for my friends to taste in case they were interested), pre-packaged unsweetened applesauce, 1/2 cup of quick oats with cinnamon (for breakfast on Sunday), and one all natural granola bar.

My sorors made fun of me saying my purse was stocked with snacks. One asked me "do you have kids are something?? Why do you have all that in your purse?" Disclaimer: the apple, applesauce, and quick oats were kept in a lunch box...I did not have those things in my purse.  Everything else was loaded into a very large purse my sister got me for Christmas (perfect timing)!!!

This worked out perfectly!! On the ride down, I was getting a little hungry so I ate one of the bananas.  For brunch, I had an egg white omelet with lots of veggies, chicken, and turkey sausage for a little extra protein, a side of fruit, and some home fries which I shared with some of my sorors (yes, not clean, I know).  At the day party, I was starting to get a little hungry so I ate my orange, a handful of almonds, and the Pirate's Booty cheese puffs.  I also nibbled on my protein bar since it got crumbled while in my purse.  After the day party, we had some time to spare so we went to another restaurant with some of our older chapter sorors. I was not planning to eat while there, but I was a little hungry so I got a half order of baked chicken wings.  By morning, I had the quick oats and cut up the apple for breakfast.  After I got out of church, I ate the last banana, the granola bar, and two handfuls of almonds (I was now on the verge of starving).  This was unfortunately not enough to satisfy my growing hunger and I was getting sleepy so after about a hour and a half after eating that, I stopped off at a Starbucks (had a gift card) and got a skinny vanilla latte and a piece of banana nut bread (not clean, I know..cheat day)! This sustained me the rest of the way home!

I'm sure as I continue to have to travel while adapting this lifestyle, I will find other foods that travel well.  I say that overall, I think I did pretty good during this road trip and came as prepared as possible!

I'll be traveling again soon for the whole weekend instead of one day.  I'll be sure to let you guys know how that goes!

Protein Bars

Thursday I happened to stumble across an article online that listed the best and worst protein bars to consume. Well my favorite protein bar of all time is the Clif Bar! I especially love the chocolate chip peanut butter crunch bar! That is the one featured on the far left of my picture here.  Well of course...my favorite protein bar was listed on the WORST list of protein bars.  And this was like a list of top 5 best and worst bars.  Go figure!

Of course I was disappointed, but it does make sense.  They only cost about $1 per bar at Kroger and this is an on going "sale" they have them on.  Not too many really healthy things are that cheap.  The article explained that Clif Bars are designed to give fuel to someone who's participating in very strenuous activity for a long period of time. Example: mountain climbing for 4 hours; running a marathon; etc. They are not for the person who wants to fuel up before getting in an hour workout at the gym.  That would be me! I was eating these bars as pre-workout meals and sometimes as meal replacements if I was traveling.

When I found out I was not eating the Clif Bar appropriately, I decided it was time to start making my own protein bars.  I went online and google'd "homemade protein bars" and I came up with this recipe! I made them tonight and they were delicious!!!

There were a few things I did differently which I read in the comment section that other people did it the same way and they approved so I followed suit! I used chocolate protein powder instead of vanilla or unflavored.  I also used ground flax seed instead of chia seeds because I wanted to use what I had instead of buying something else. I was not able to find grain sweetened chocolate chips, so I just used the Kroger brand and I got the semi-sweetened ones to cut back on sugar as much as I could. I figured it wouldn't hurt to use them since it's only 2 tablespoons.  Everything else was what the recipe actually called for. Oh one more thing, in the beginning of the recipe, it says roast your oats in the oven for 10-15 minutes prior to starting. I wasn't sure of the temperature that the oven should be on since it didn't say, so I already had my oven on 400 degrees so I just roasted them at 400 for 10 minutes.

The corner is missing because I had to take a taste before saying these were good enough to recommend to someone else to make! :)

So now that I have my homemade protein bars, I'm ready to go! They were super easy to make too!!

If you're planning to make them, let me know how you like them!!

Week 1...done!

For the next 7 weeks (well now 6 weeks), I am challenging myself to work out AND eat clean to accustom myself to changing my lifestyle, but also to get physically ready for my 29th birthday.  The birthday part is a bonus, but I am seriously trying to make lifestyle changes to being more healthy.

Week one was completed today!!!!

Ok so this is what's been going on.  I bought a Jillian Michael's DVD called Ripped in 30 almost 2 years ago.  The program basically has four weeks of exercises that recommends you commit to doing 5-6 days/week and following Jillian's suggested meal plan and at the end of 30 days, you're supposed to be able to see visual and dramatic results and changes to your body! Well I'm not sure if it's supposed to be dramatic, but Jillian says "if you follow this DVD and meal plan, at the end of these 30 days, you're going to thank me".  Either way, like I said, I've had the DVD for almost 2 years and in those 2 years,  I have started and stopped and started and stopped this DVD over and over again. I've never did the full 30 day program and I certainly have never followed the meal plan.  The farthest I've gotten was completing week one for at least 4 days/week of exercise.  

Now I will say the DVD is challenging.  Jillian's programs are definitely not a walk in the park by any means! As she says "you don't buy a Jillian Michael's DVD and think it's going to be easy".  I would say I haven't finished the program because I usually divert my attention to one of the other many workout DVDs that I own, or I just give up on regular exercise all together.  

This time, I am truly trying to stick to this commitment. And now that I've shared this with all of you, I'm going to let you guys hold me accountable and I'm going to do it! 

I've been doing the DVD every morning this week around the 5 o'clock AM hour! Some mornings I have tried to talk myself out of getting out of bed telling myself it's ok if I don't do it today because I'll just workout in the afternoon after work at the gym.  I've also been cold in the morning and much warmer under my covers. Thursday morning, I was so incredibly sore that I almost convinced myself that I should just take the day off because it'd be better for my body that way.  A lot of self-talk occurred this week regarding doing this workout.  This morning when I woke up, it was unusually warm in my house so I had no problem springing out of bed to head downstairs to get to work. After I finished, I just thought to myself, I DID IT!!! I was so excited that I accomplished working out every morning this week as I said I would commit to doing.  

I've also been eating very clean this week! I have found lots of great recipes and food ideas on several websites! Some of my favorites that I've found is The Gracious Pantry, recipe.com, The Eat Clean Diet. and of course good ol' Pinterest is always a winner for looking for recipes.  I actually found out about the Gracious Pantry on Pinterest.  One thing I've learned is that anyone who has a nice body that they had to work at (meaning it's not just genetically a nice body) will tell you, it's not just about working out, it's what you're eating too. One week of eating clean has totally changed my life! I went to a faculty meeting Thursday and there were all kinds of cookies and sweets that I usually crave and am weak not to eat them, but I didn't even want them after doing such a great job eating clean throughout the week. 

I feel amazing and I'm so excited about this new lifestyle! I will be honest...there is one downfall....

Eating clean is E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E!!!!!!!!!!!!!  In the first week, I've already spent over $100 on food!!!  I think I got a little too excited and did not consider that this clean food which is mostly produce will not last me longer than a week.  Right now, I'm on a mission to figure out how I'm going to make it through the rest of the month and how am I going to do it "clean".  I know that I cannot afford to spend $100/week on groceries, but I don't want to go back to eating anything just because it's cheap.  I've been thinking of some creative things I can do so stay tuned for that.  I'll post how my first month of eating clean went at the end of this month.  

I also plan to post progress pics! The one I took this morning looked pretty good, but there is a lot more work to go! I can't wait to see what kind of progression I will have at the end of this month and then at the end of the 7 weeks!! Stay tuned.....

49 days until "A" Day!!!!

In case you guys didn't know, my 29th birthday is in approximately 49 days!! I affectionately started calling my birthday "A" day a few years ago. Probably some time after Beyonce come out with the B Day album on her birthday.  Ok so I'm not that creative...but that's neither here nor there.  

So with my birthday coming in 7 short weeks, I'm committing to a new challenge.  In the next 7 weeks, I am preparing to commit to eating clean and working out 6 days/week. Any health fanatic will tell you that abs are made in the kitchen and it's really about what you're eating instead of focusing mainly on working out.  

I joined the gym on October 31, 2012 and in the past 2 months, I see some progress, but I'm sure if my diet was clean, I'd see even bigger results.  I wanted to do things my way and decided I could just put in at least 2 hours in the gym and still eat  what I wanted (within reason).  I then started to notice, I'm logging all these hours in the gym, slaving away, yet my diet is setting me back.  I want maximum results!.  

I'm fully ready to take on this challenge! I know it's going to take work and it's not going to be easy, but it'll be worth it when I'm strutting around this summer looking amazing.  Not only will I look good, but I'll be healthy and that's truly what it's all about.  

Today I spent a few hours cooking meals for the week.  It was a very labor intensive process, but after I was finished, I felt truly accomplished and was ready to take on the week.  Prior proper planning truly does prevent piss poor performance!! That piss poor performance is eating crap just because you haven't planned ahead of time and when you're starving, you become desperate.  Desperate will have you back where you started eating those foods that have set you back all this time.  

Here are some pics of some food I have prepared for this week! 

The far left is roasted broccoli and cauliflower, brown rice, and 4 oz of chicken breast with red onion and green peppers on top.  The other dishes are either 4 oz of grilled chicken breast or 4 oz of turkey chop with sauteed fresh green beans with mushrooms and garlic, brown rice, and green peppers and red onions on top of the meat. 

This was breakfast this morning. 1/2 grapefruit, spinach wrap (9 grams of fiber and 9 grams of protein in the wrap alone) 2 egg whites and one whole egg, spinach, mushrooms, feta cheese inside the wrap.

I have other foods that I'll be eating throughout the week, but this was just a little sample for now! I hope to post progress pics at the end of the 7 weeks! Better yet, I'll be sure to post...good or bad...I need to be held accountable! So here I go!!! #legooooooo :)

And I'm back!

I'm finally back from Christmas vacation and it feels good to be home! I really hate staying away from my house for a long period of time.  It's like I go through house withdrawls....weird.  Either way, my time spent with my sister and brother-in-law was a wonderful time, but I'm really glad to be home! 

Now that I'm back, I'm super excited about getting started on this eating clean diet and back to regular exercise.  While I was in Memphis, I did exercise regularly, but I haven't been to my gym since before Christmas.  It's been two weeks and I'm ready to get back in there and get ripped!!! 

Another thing I did while I was in Memphis was watch a video called Food, Inc. which basically talks about what is really going on with our foods in this country.  It was a truly eye opening experience to watch.  I couldn't believe some of the stuff I was seeing!! It's a shame that these things are allowed in our country to be put out as food.  I also read a book called The Eat Clean Diet by Tosca Reno which changed my prospective on a lot of things too.  Reno was once overweight and after her divorce, she decided it was time to make some changes! She began working out and eating better.  Her book series are really easy reads and I enjoyed learning about how to eat clean.  

Last night I drove back home after my flight landed in Richmond around midnight.  I was going to stay in Richmond and just drive home in the morning, but I was really ready to get back home and more importantly get a jump start on this new lifestyle change.  I stopped by the store in the wee hours of the morning to pick up a few things and will be going back to the grocery store today to get more stuff.  I'm also hitting up a killer workout to top it all off.  

Breakfast today consisted of sauteed spinach, mushrooms, 2 egg whites, 1 egg with yolk, a sprinkle of feta cheese. Dried oats, maple syrup, cinnamon, and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter.  I washed it all down with a mug of green tea (no sugar or sweetners).  I made the oatmeal with water instead of milk and I must say without my regular 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, it was a different taste.  I'm sure it's something I can eventually grow to like.  It wasn't 100% horrible though.  I'm sure I can perfect it with some other ingredients as I continue with this change.  

So here I go....I'll keep you all posted on how well it's going for me!! 

Thoughts of Thankfulness

Happy New Year!!

We have made it to 2013 and I'm super excited!! I woke up this morning and the first thing I could think of was to tell God "thank you".  I had so much to be thankful for, but I couldn't put into words all that I wanted to thank him for! It was an overwhelming feeling of joy that I experienced as I realized I am now stepping into a new year and new season of my life.

When I was in 8th grade, some kids at school was talking about the world coming to an end in the year 2000.  As we walked the track during gym class, some of my classmates began to elaborate on this theory that had come out about this Y2K phenomenon that many believed would be the end of the world.  I admitted to my classmates that I had not been baptized before and one of them felt compelled to inform me that I was indeed going to hell if I didn't get baptized soon! The year was 1997 and I didn't have much time to prepare for this "scheduled"coming of the Lord!! 

I went home panicking and I told my mother all that these kids had told me.  I immediately begged my mother to take me back to church so that I could be baptized.  Growing up, our family attended church occasionally.  We belonged to a church and I was dedicated to the Lord at a very young age, but our attendance began to slack off when my mother began working three jobs to support the family.  Being a single mother, I suppose she was just too tired to try to get three kids ready for church on Sundays.  The church we went to only had one service and it was at 8am.  

My mom agreed to take us back to church and on December 13, 1997 my sister and I got baptized.  After we were baptized and attended new members classes, I remember going back to church here and there, but I found it to be extremely boring and rarely paid attention when I was there.  

Fast forward to high school....

As we continued to attend church, I started to catch on to the cliche "church sayings" that many of the members would utter from time to time.  You know the sayings like "God is good all the time, and all the time God is good", "If I had 1 million tongues, I couldn't thank you enough, Lord", "if you never do anything else for me, you have already done enough"! To a spiritually immature teenager, those phrases meant nothing to me.  I actually used to think of a rebuttal for them at times thinking to myself "well God, there are actually a few other things I need for you to do for me before I can declare you've already done enough"!  Anywho...I remember it was the year 2002 (wow look at that, yet another person predicting the end of the world who was wrong! lol) and the church had held a recognition ceremony for high school seniors who were graduating and going off to college or the work force.  All of the graduates stood on a stage lined up with their graduation gowns on, medals of honor, and a nice certificate presented by the church.  We then were given the opportunity to step up to the microphone and give a speech of thanks.  I was the last person to give my speech and as the other graduates spoke, I noticed a "trend" among their speeches.  Every one of the graduates first thanked God for their achievements, then they went into thanking their parents, other family members, and some even thanked friends.  As they spoke, I felt like this is getting extremely redundant and felt like they were saying this stuff just to say it! I felt no passion! It was so rehearsed! 

So now it's my turn! I step up to the mic and the first thing that comes out of my mouth was "I know you guys are tired of hearing everyone say "I just want to thank God..." so I'm NOT going to say that..." 

*BLANK STARE* 

I think I might have heard a pin drop! WHAT WAS I THINKING?? I'm at a church and have the nerve to declare "you guys have got to be tired of hearing everyone thank God"! I will never forget that moment.  And now 11 years later, I'm still slightly embarrassed that I said that.  I've thought I was a "comic" for some time now, so maybe I was trying to be funny.  Totally not the time or place for such a "joke".  

Either way, I look back over that moment and I think about how much I have grown as a Christian.  Those cliche "church sayings" that I mentioned earlier are uttered from my mouth on a regular basis now.  They may be over used statements, but they carry so much meaning! God has truly done more than enough for me in my life time.  He still blessed me even when I straight dissed him at the church awards ceremony! I gave him no credit whatsoever for my accomplishments! SMH (that's shaking my head in case you're an older reader and didn't know).  

Sometimes I get down on my knees to pray and I go on and on and on thanking God as if he didn't hear me.  That level of gratitude even spills out to others when someone does something for me.  I will issue a sincere thank you and then express my gratitude again and again.  I feel like I can't thank God or kind people enough! When we live in  a world where kindness is taken as a weakness, and doing things for people has some what become a right not a privilege, I feel like expressing thanks is so important! 

As I stand on the first day of a new year, I step into 2013 with great expectations, a humble spirit, and a thankful heart! I'm thankful for my family, the relationship my sister and I have now that used to not be as pleasant or wonderful, for traveling mercies as I traveled during this holiday season, for keeping us safe last night, for food to eat, clothes to wear, and a warm home to live in.  I'm thankful for my friends who texted me pictures of their celebration last night as they brought in the new year an hour before me (I'm on Central time here in Memphis), I'm thankful for the text message I got from my god-daughter's mother at midnight saying "HAPPY NEW YEAR GODMOMMY". It made me think back to 2007 when my mom was the first person to call me to wish me a happy new year.  Selfishly, I resented the fact that my first call of 2007 was from my mother and not a love interest.  That was the last new year my mother would call me to say happy new year since she died 2 months later. So I cherished that moment of my goddaughter thinking of me and wanting to be one of the first to wish me a happy new year! I would give anything to get a call like that from my mom again.  I'm thankful for my relationship with God and my desire to want to tell the world about Jesus and his love! I'm thankful for Jesus dying for my sins and loving me more than I could ever imagine.  I could go on and on because the list is endless!! I will close with this, I'm thankful for this new year.  New possibilities, new opportunities, a new attitude, new accomplishments, new lessons, new blessings, new mercies, and not necessarily a new me, but a better me! 

Thank you, Lord! :)